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Saturday, March 19th, 2005
12:55 am
i have climbed the highest mountain
i have run through the fields
only to be with you
only to be with you

i have run
i have crawled
i have scaled these city walls
only to be with you

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for...

my life is a never ending cycle of shit.

i spent nearly 24 hours in 2 different hospitals with shaun after agreeing to go with him to his drug counselor. the topic of him threatening to kill himself came up and of course this guy had to take it so literally and do everything by the books which ended up in shaun nearly being put on 48 hour suicide watch after being transported from one hospital to another hospital's crisis center at 3 in the morning. all because he wanted attention and made up some story about buying a gun. how fucking old are we? apparently we're regressing.

i miss him so much but i honestly can't say whether it's him i miss or just the situation that i'm used to. the dysfunction between us is my comfort zone as sick as it may be.

i don't even know what i want. it honestly changes throughout the course of the day. and shaun just assumes that we're going to stay together and live happily ever after. he told me he hadn't done drugs in about a month and then come to find out when we were at his counseling session, he did them 4 days earlier. today i wanted to just say fuck it and go back to shaun but i spent the night with chris and there's just something about him that makes me want to stick around even though we're two completely different people.

last night i told him that i can't be his girlfriend anymore because i can't stay away from shaun and even if i manage to not see him for a while, i still talk to him everday. i told him that he deserves honesty and commitment and i don't want to promise him that unless i can give it to him. he was miserable and basically doesn't care about the terms as long as he gets to see me. which is another thing i tried to explain to him... he needs a backbone and he can't let people walk all over him. which he doesn't when it comes to other people he encounters on a daily basis, but when it comes to girls hes a complete and utter hopeless romantic. totally fucking hopeless.

and sometimes i honestly wonder if he's gay because i still haven't gotten any and it would be the third one. damn i have some fucking record. i guess i should just get fag hag tattooed on my forehead.

the blonde one on the left is my chris

ugh. taco bell gave me wicked gas. whatev.

[2 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Monday, February 28th, 2005
1:58 am
i figured i'd write a little somethin somethin in here while i'm actually on the site. plus, what the hell else is there that's better to do at 2 in the morning?

ps- my roommate sucks ass. fucking bitch. i like how she turns over and looks at me like i give a fuck. fuck her.

so school is really stressing me out. there's too much work to do, so i don't do all of it. but it hasn't really seemed to fuck me over all that much since i've wooped up on all my tests so far.

but i have so much shit that i need to take care of. i have to pay the 4 parking tickets i got at school ($100 total), pay the ticket i got for when i was driving my dads unregistered car (he's actually gonna pay the $54 ticket but it was already due so there's a warrant out for my arrest), my school loan was apparently cancelled and i was never informed so i have to figure out what the fuck im gonna do to pay for school, i have to get car insurance (if i get pulled over i have no insurance, an inspection sticker from another state, and a warrant out for my arrest... so that means i'd be spending the night in the slammer), apparently my credit card bills have been being sent to my old address, my phone bill is consistantly $130, and i have a $200 balance on my credit card.

fuck me. it's nice having chris around though because he actually gets on my ass to take care of things. 2 weeks ago he took my car to the carwash and got me new windshield wipers and today he replaced the broken mirror on the visor in my car. and he says he's gonna get me and inspection sticker so that i don't even need to pass inspection. fine by me, my shit always fails inspection.

shaun still calls me and most of the time i avoid his calls and don't return them. he lost his license for 7 months because of his DUI bullshit, he's in drug counseling still, and he got a new job. apparently he's been clean since he had to pass a drug test to get the job.

i've spent the night at his house twice since i started seeing chris because i was so fucking confused about what to do with myself. for about 2 weeks i didn't see shaun and i didn't say anything to him that would make him think we would get back together, but eventually i caved and i spend the night at his house. i felt like i had to figure out if i really wanted to move on and be with chris or if i was just going to end up going back to shaun. so for a while i was convinced that i was just going to end up spending the rest of my life with shaun so i told him i was going to tell chris that i couldn't see him anymore. but then something changed my mind and i decided that i really wanted to stay with chris.

oh and i should add that chris found out that i went to shauns house cause i really didn't attempt to hide it all that much. at that point, if i were him, i would have been like ok fuck this bitch. but instead he was really upset and just told me that he didn't want to lose me and then he never brought it up. and then like a dumb fuck i pulled the same shit again the next week and he found out about that too and still stayed with me.

so i finally decided that i want to be with chris and i haven't seen shaun since then. we still talk when i decide to answer one of his 50 phone calls. tonight i told him that the reason i don't answer his calls or call him back is because he doesn't listen to what i say and he just asks me to hang out with him like we're still together. but fuck him, he's fucked up. the way i see it is that if we're meant to be together then we will be. but in the meantime im not hanging around him anymore and just making it that much easier for him to fuck up because he has something to fall back on. hes got 3 years of bullshit to make up and that takes a lot of time and some real effort.

but for right now things have been going really well with chris and i'm happy that i gave it a chance. my friend don from work came over last night and tried to have sex with me which would have totally worked any other time but i turned him down cause i didn't want to do that to chris. thats the first time i've stopped myself from slutting it up when i was with someone else. one up for me. i should probably piss on a stick because i get this paranoid feeling that i'm pregnant. and that would mean it would be shaun's kid and i would have to kill myself.

wow i've been typing forever and i don't even know what im saying anymore. that line between the things i should and shouldn't say in here is like completely nonexistant now.

chris has been talking about me and him moving in together. i know its completely too soon but it would be a few months from now. i probably won't do it but im considering it since theres really no one else to get a place with. who knows, he's probably going to move out on his own within the next few months so i think i'll just let him do his own thing so he can see whether he's capable of making it on his own or not and then if i ever want to move in with him i know he won't argue. i'd feel better about it too because i don't want him to deal with all of those expenses on his own even though he thinks he can do it. he doesn't know shit...

alright im done typing im going to sleep.

ps- my roommate sucks assssssssssssssssssss. fuck you amanda you blow.

current mood: mellow

[2 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
3:23 am
wow, holy shit. it's like i forgot how to have a backbone and now that i'm no longer spineless, i realize what a tool i've been.

for 3 years i've been put through misery because of my relationship with shaun. i put up with his drug problem, his lies, his stealing, and all of the other shit he dished out. and what do i have to show for it? absolutely nothing.

i can't even fathom what it was that made me put up with it for so long. maybe it really was love, love makes you do crazy things. in fact, i probably still do love him. but that doesn't mean i have to stay with someone who doesn't care about anyone but themselves.

it's just amazing. ever since i've gotten myself away from this asshole i haven't been depressed. i don't cry anmore, i don't sit around and stare at the phone or get upset when he doesn't call, i don't get sidetracked worrying about what he's doing.

of course he's still calling and crying and begging me to stay with him. and for once i'm just not buying it. but in reality i think he's over it already. he called saturday night and could barely breathe he was crying so hard. and then i didn't hear from him on sunday and we spoke earlier today but when i told him not to tell me he loves me and that i don't want to see him tomorrow, he got off the phone. it's just amazing how he can lie to me and fuck me over and then call me the next day as if everything is perfect. who the hell stays in such a psychotic relationship?

and now that i have someone else in my life (chris) i realize what a normal relationship is like. he respects me and he wants to see me. he never lets me pay for my own things (which doesn't matter, its just cute) and he's happy doing whatever it is that i want to do. and it doesn't hurt that he's hot and he carries me around like its nothin and that he's gonna be a cop... i need me a fuckin PBA card.

it's just really weird being in a normal relationship without fighting and distrust. but i definitely like it and for once i can actually say that i'm happy. the only thing that can make this better is if amanda decided to move out because she is honestly the worst roommate ever.

[9 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
12:34 pm
i could sit here and write this completely useless entry about what's really bothering me. but what the fuck is the point, it's about my fucking boy problems. i'm so pathetic.

but the bottom line is that i can't decide between good and evil, so i'm not going to.

home is where the heart is... on the bus
i never really knew what that was supposed to mean
but for so reason it just seems to fit right now

there's something to be said for routine. at least you know what's coming.

most vague entry ever.

[2 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Friday, January 14th, 2005
12:54 am
quicky fast update:

i transferred schools so i start tcnj on monday and im actually living on campus this semester so i move in on sunday. im rooming with my friend amanda from high school which should be cool cause we both hate people. i hope she doesn't throw up her food anymore cause i would totally hate living with a bullemic, i'd have to get me some anorexia cause i can't be around people with weight issues without me feeling like a fat ass. and im just not gonna go puking up my food thats gross.

shaun stole $200 from my bank account which he had to go to a lot of trouble to do. so i threatened to go to the cops and charge him with fraud and theft which would basically ruin his life because hes unemployed and he'd never get a real job with a record like that. im getting my money back from his mom tomorrow but that's not the point. he called me crying saying he needs to go to rehab (no shit sherlock) so we called places all fucking day. i think its just jersey but when you want to go to inpatient rehab they make you go to somewhere in the area for an "assessment". so you have to call a million places, most of which don't even answer the phone, and if someone does pick up they tell you that you're on a minimum of 2 weeks waiting list. a fucking waiting list to get rehab? uh hellooooooo if you're a drug addict and you have to wait over a week for help then you're probably gonna go get your high on. fucking stupid. it ticks me off that drug addicts that are ordered by the court to get help get it right away when they usually don't even want it, but if someone has a problem and they seek help they're basically turned away. and im not even angry because shaun didn't get help, just in general it's a fucked up system. i doubt shaun even wants help anyway.

i dyed my hair again finally. i was starting to look like trailer park barbie.

god damnit there is gonna be a serious bathroom situation when i move in to school. i am not dropping a deuce in front of anyone else so im gonna have to give my friend anna rexia a call. fuck me.

[leave a heartbeat ]

Sunday, December 26th, 2004
12:16 am
the past 2 days have been the worst 2 days of my life and it's all because of shaun. he's fucked me over and broken my heart for the last time. i've said this so many times before that i don't even believe myself when i say i'm done with him. but what kind of cold hearted selfish person can make their girlfriend cry on christmas and not even care? i gave him my car and $50 yesterday to get his sister a christmas present and he spent it on cocaine. i spent $35 today so we had food to eat and something to do for christmas and he ditched me when his friends walked in uninvited. i just can't do this anymore, if i leave things the way they are i'm going to end up in the nut house. i just better not answer the phone when he calls. because when his parents come home and hes not the one with the empty house anymore he's gonna be alone. and he's gonna want me around, but i'm gonna be too busy trying to get my life back together. i can't take him anymore. i don't think i'm gonna be getting any sleep tonight.

[7 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
4:16 am
mother fucker i done it again
oh well might as well become what you hate

fucking grr

[leave a heartbeat ]

Monday, August 23rd, 2004
5:20 pm
i'm not with shaun anymore
i'm back at my parents house
and i'm not going to school this semester

i need some time to fix myself cause i'm broke for sure

if i'm doing the right thing then why the fuck does it hurt so much?

current mood: sad

[6 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
7:26 pm
i had to post this because it was just so accurate.

What will your last words be?
by cum_on_bitch
Your LJ username
Your real name
Your sex
Your age
Your last words will be..."i hate you so much..."
Quiz created with MemeGen!

my life just keeps getting worse.

[2 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Thursday, August 5th, 2004
7:16 pm
i don't want to be treated like shit anymore
but i don't want anybody else...

i haven't felt this bad in years

[2 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Saturday, July 31st, 2004
7:41 pm
it's been a long time since i've been close to you
it's been a long time since i've been sad
it's been a while since i've really spent time with you
wish i could take back the times that i had
the only thing that you ever really did for me
was make me oh so miserable

and the hope that i never see your face again
is anything but questionable

i hope this is goodbye
i hope this is goodbye

but it's fucking not.

[1 defiant heartbeat | leave a heartbeat ]

Friday, July 30th, 2004
7:01 pm
this has been the worst week of my entire life
i had a semi-nervous breakdown
fought with shaun all week
and basically i've been forced into moving back to my parents house
as much as shaun gets furious with me for saying it's his fault
i worked my ass off all summer to be in this apartment and i pulled my weight
the reason we can't afford our rent this month is because he's been unemployed for 5 weeks
this was my last chance to make things decent for myself
i didn't have to go back home and i was somewhat close to school
but now it's my problem to deal with
i'm the one that has to go home to a shitty situation while he runs back to being pampered by his mommy
i'm staying at his house for a week or so "until my basement is finished" which is apparently going to be a burden
my dad and i work full time and we never have the same day off
it's not gonna be finished in a week...
basically the only conclusion that i've reached is that i do NOT want to be alone
i've lived with shaun for a year now and i'm used to coming home to him after work/school and at least getting that much time with him every day
i don't want to go back to having to squeeze in time for each other
he was the one that said he didn't want us to separate
yet he's the one that's pulling us apart
i don't think i'm gonna be able to handle this...

[leave a heartbeat ]

Sunday, July 25th, 2004
9:02 pm
i am so sick and tired of feeling like trash
i'm willing to think positive and feel better
but i can't do it
all i can do is stop myself from thinking negative thoughts but if they're in the back of my mind what's the point of pushing them away
it'd be pretty nice to reach the point where those thoughts didn't cross my mind but i can't really control what i think
i cry whenever i'm not at work because i'm home alone all the time
i've gone to sleep alone about 6 of the 7 nights this week
shaun's either at an NA meeting til 2 in the morning or going on some overnight fishing trip with his dad
it's really nice how he gets to do things that he enjoys while hes been unemployed for the past month
and i'm working 7 days in a row- 8 hours each day
now that i think about it, shaun's been employed for maybe a week and a half out of the 3 months we've been here
i just can't take it anymore
i would have had so much extra money saved up if shaun was helping me out and i didn't have bullshit being thrown at me constantly
i'd just really appreciate it if i could have one morning where i didn't wake up and cry before i went to work
i don't understand how i'm gonna adjust to this situation
i've been living with shaun for about a year now and we're gonna be seperate again
maybe i wasn't around him all day even when we lived together but he was there when i went to sleep and when i woke up in the morning and that meant a lot

this guy stan that i work with has been giving me a lot of good advice, i'm just waiting for myself to listen
he's trying to get me to think positively and he keeps telling me that i'm not going to learn anything from the people i'm surrounding myself with because kids don't learn things from other kids
he's right
i turned to matt because he definitely went out of his way to make sure i trusted him and would allow him to help me
and in the end he was just like the rest
he completely turned on me for no apparent reason at all
people like that really make me realize how good shaun is to me
he's always there for me when i need a shoulder to cry on
but that's only when he's physically here... and everyone knows i can't rely on him to be honest and be around when he says hes going to

maybe one day i'll do what i've known i have to do all along...
get myself together without relying on anyone else
and then find someone who treats me the way i deserve to be treated
but not make them matter so much that i can't survive without them

the only thing that could possibly make me feel any worse right now is john kerry becoming president...

[7 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Monday, July 19th, 2004
3:17 pm
there is no such thing as whole
there is a hole in the world

i'm gonna fix shit for real this time
on my own...
because fuck everyone else
they're all unreliable

thanks tiff

[2 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Thursday, July 8th, 2004
8:25 am
i really screwed shit up this time.

i think i ruined everything. i lost my heart but i can still feel the pain.
i'm so sorry...

[3 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Monday, June 28th, 2004
5:51 pm
quick run down:

i hate my job
i hate my ex
i hate mexicans
i hate michael moore
i hate girls

but i love my bunniesCollapse )

the brown one is billy and the black one is joel. now leave me comments telling me how cute they are.

[9 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Monday, June 14th, 2004
10:58 pm
i like how 2 of my best friends have been home from school for almost a month now and i haven't seen either of them. and i know it's mostly my own fault. i've always been like this. i know the right thing to do and there is part of me that really wants to do the right thing, but when it comes down to it, i never pick up the phone and make the first call or even return it.

and it's sad because it's not like i have anything better to do.

my other friend is about to have a baby any day now. it's fucking crazy what happened over this past year. a year ago we all graduated together and everything was fine and it all went downhill from there.

jess killed herself
nicole got knocked up and married an idiot
dominique decided she was going to be black (she's black but she was adopted and has always acted non-black)
bobby got into a car accident and almost died
i moved in with shaun

and all in all... we fell apart. i know it's pretty unrealistic to believe that friends will stay friends forever after highschool... but we didn't even make it one year.

i don't even like where my life is right now. i want to go home and i tried to tell shaun that but he got really offeneded and said that he doesn't want us to be split apart after all this time. i don't want to either but this isn't making me happy at all. every time i see my family i feel like im getting shot in the heart because i know that's where i belong. i don't want to miss my brothers growing up and i know my dad misses me just as much as i miss him.

shaun got laid off at work so i made the biggest mistake of my life and got him a job with me at lowe's. he's gonna work in receiving so i won't even see him most of the day but it still kinda sucks.

i didn't even want this to be a serious entry...

[2 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
1:08 pm
i'm all moved into the new apartment
and my car is taking a permanent shit. i think the transmission is shot.
and half the lights in the apartment suddenly decided to blow out so some dude is coming to fix em today.
but despite everything i'm in a pretty good mood.
everyone should download vindicated by dashboard confessional. he's a sell out fuck that i keep trying to hate but it really doesn't work because he's still a genius.
alright peAce niggas ima go make some pasta salad and ziti cuz that's all i know how to cook.

[leave a heartbeat ]

Friday, May 28th, 2004
3:03 pm
im moving tonight niggas
won't have the internet til tuesday

but i'll leave you with this
gangsterCollapse )

[3 defiant heartbeats | leave a heartbeat ]

Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
11:28 pm
a robyn / julien heart to heartCollapse )

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